letter (noun)- (a) a written, typed, or printed communication, especially one sent by mail or by messenger, but sometimes sent by memory through time, such as a (b) note to self, although I suppose those are normally written to the future, and this one is to the past, but perhaps it’s just as much to the present me and future me, too

Dear Kate,

It’s the wee hours of the morning on April 19^th, 2017, and I know how you feel right now. I know that you’re breathlessly in awe of the new life swaddled up in that plastic bin of a hospital crib next to you, so much so that you can’t fall asleep. And I know too that you are sorer than you ever imagined you could be; every muscle in your body aching like you just finished the most difficult workout of your life… which, in a way, you did. I know that when the haze fades away, on that too-long day that you bring your baby home, you’re going to be hit with waves of emotion that drag on past the baby blues.

And, Kate? I promise it’s going to be okay.

From my year-out vantage point, I want to reach back and hug you. I want to make you laugh with stories from the months ahead (like when Caleb burps in the silence of a prayer in church!). But most of all, I want to tell you that the phrase “enjoy every moment” is a good one but so is “enjoy every change”, and that one might be a little easier to swallow when you’re taking antibiotics for mastitis or bundled in the dark December night with a croupy baby or chafing against the loneliness of your new stay-at-home-mom life.

You see, Kate, from the minute your son left your body, he started to stop being yours, and started to become his own. It’s an exasperating twist, in a way. For some mothers, the bond is instantaneous, but for you it wasn’t. For you, he was a stranger, and the most amazing part of the last year has been getting to know the unique person that he is. Now, you’re closer to him than you were when he was born, but more separate and distinct, too. And if I had to guess (seeing as I do, because future us hasn’t written yet) this is going to continue with each passing year. It’s what I’ve heard and witnessed in other mothers, so I can only assume this universal will prove true for us as well.

And that makes me think that maybe there’s something in here for future Kate, too. So as a favor to this present and past, don’t look back and kick yourself because you think you might not have soaked up the moments enough. Instead, enjoy the fact that he has become the boy you know now. Celebrate the string of changes from here to there: newborn to toddler to whatever comes next.

-Kate